


Drunk Dialing

by inthepeppermintwind



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-18 23:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inthepeppermintwind/pseuds/inthepeppermintwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wes and David get a phone call. At two in the morning. From a very drunk Blaine. Inspired by 2x14 promo. Oneshot-dialogue. TRANSFERRING FROM FANFICTION.NET</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk Dialing

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work that I originally published on fanfiction.net in 2011 (under the name pineappletop92). I am currently moving all of my stories from there to here and scarvesandcoffee (when they apply). Thank you.
> 
> ORIGINAL PUBLICATION DATE: FEBRUARY 16, 2011

_“I whip my hair back and forth!  Whip my hair back and forth!”_

“Whah?”

  _“I whip my hair back and forth!  Whip my hair back and forth!”_

 “David, answer your phone!”

 “…”

  _“I whip my hair back and forth!  Whip my hair back and forth!”_

“You _would_ sleep through this.”

  _Thud._

“Ow!  Damnit!  I swear!  You are never allowed to sleepover again unless you change your damn ringtone!  Hello?!”

 “Davey!”

 “No, it’s Wes.  Who is this?”

 “Blainey-Blaine-Blaine!”

 “…”

 “Wes?  You still there?”

 “Are you okay, Blaine?”

 “I’m _awesome!_   Never felt better!  Heehee!”

 “Blaine…did you just _giggle_?”

 “I dunno.”

 “Okay…”

 “Wait – why’re you answering Davey’s phone?”

 “Davey?!  Why’re you-?  Nevermind.  He’s asleep.  Why do you need him at – _shit, Blaine!_   It’s two in the morning!  We have Warbler’s rehearsal tomorrow, remember?  For the PTA meeting performance we’re doing tomorrow – no, wait, tonight!”

 “Warblers.  Ha ha!  Do you realize how weird that is to say!  Warr-blers.  Wore-blers.  Hee hee.  Omigod, we’re _Whore_ -blers, Wes!  We’s _hoes_!  Hee hee!”

 “Blaine, where are you exactly?”

 “Rachel Berry’s house!  You know, for a girl who dresses like a toddler, she sure knows how to throw a party!  These Newdirections are awesome partyers.  Is that a word?  Partyers.  Well, if it isn’t, it should be.  You know, we should have a party!  I mean, we’re the freakin’ Whore-blers!  Everybody loves us!  And we really, really need to loosen up.  Especially you, Wes, cause you’ve gots a really big stick shoved up your-”

 “Blaine, are you _drunk_?!”

 “Hee hee.  _May-be._ ”

 “Blaine, don’t you remember what happened at Thad’s End-of-Summer party last year?”

 “…No.”

 “Exactly.”

 “Whatever.  Oh, oh!  Hey, Kurt!  C’mere!  C’mere, c’mere!  Say hi to Wes!”

 “… _Hi, Wes._ ”

 “Here, Kurtie-”

 “ _I told you to stop calling me that_.”

 “But it’s cute!  Anyway, take the phone and talk to Wes while I go pee.  Hee hee.  You should see how much I’ve peed tonight, Wes!  I’m like a fountain!  Hee hee!”

 “That’s nice, Blaine.”

 “Wes?”

 “Kurt?”

 “Yeah.”

 “You sound sober.”

 “Yeah, I didn’t drink as much as Blaine.  I was buzzed earlier, but sobered up pretty quickly after spin-the-bottle…”

 “Spin-the-bottle?  Seriously?”

 “It was Rachel’s idea.”

 “Okay.  And what was so awful about it?”

 “…I’ll let Blaine explain that on to you.”

 “Okay.  Hey, look out for him, okay?  He’s not one to hold his liquor well.”

 “So I’ve learned.”

 “So why are you guys having this party anyway?”

 “Rachel’s dads are out of town.  She’s trying to make a comeback or something.  I’m not sure from what, though, because she never actually had anything to begin with.  But, whatever.  What’s surprising is how well this party is going.  Probably because Puck spiked Rachel’s-”

 “ _-Puck!  Hahahaha!_   Yay!  Got my phone back!”

 “ _I wasn’t done talking, Blaine._ ”

 “But I want to tell Wes about Puck!  So, Wes, there’s this guy here, he’s got this awesome Mohawk and he brought these awesome wine coolers!  But best of all, his name is _Puck._   Like the _fairy._ ”

 “ _You callin’ me a fairy, fairy?”_

“No!  Not like gay!  Like the fairy from Shapes…Shakesh…Shakeshpeareshes play!  You know, A Midnight’s Summer Dream!”

 “ _I think you mean_ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _, Blaine._ ”

 “Right, Kurt.  What he said.”

 “ _Dude, even when you’re piss-drunk you’re still dapper._ ”

 “But you still love me!”

 “ _Why would I love you?_ ”

 “Cause I’m freakin’ awesome!”

  _“Alright, dude.  Hey, Lauren!_ ”

 “Bye, Puck!  Wes, say bye to Puck!”

 “ _He’s already gone, Blaine.  And I’m going to go make sure Mercedes doesn’t hurt herself dancing on the table._ ”

 “Okay, Blaine-”

 “Wha’s goin’ on?”

 “Oh, _now_ you wake up.”

 “Who’re you talking to?”

 “David.  He’s finally decided to grace us with his consciousness.”

 “…I don’t know what you just said.”

 “Who are you talking to, Wes?  Is that my phone?”

 “I’m talking to Blaine.  And yes, it is your phone.  By the way, I’m changing your ringtone.  That chorus is just way to annoying to wake up to.”

 “Why’s Blaine on the phone?  Is something wrong?  Is he in the hospital?    Oh my God, _is Pavarotti dead?!_ ”

 “…Why would Pav be dead?  And why would that even be an emergency?  Why would you even think that?”

 “I dunno…”

 “Anyway, no.  Blaine’s calling because he’s drunk.”

 “He’s _what?!_ ”

 “Here’, I’ll put him on speaker.  Blaine, say hi to Daivd.”

 “Hi, Davey!”

 “Davey?”

 “Yeah, I don’t know.”

 “Blaine, why are you drunk?”

 “Heehee.  Cause booze tastes _gooood_.”

 “Where the hell are you?”

 “Rachel Berry’s house!  Her dads are out of town.  I’m here with Newdirections.  Haha.  Ohmigod!  Wes!  We’re the Whore-blers and they’re the Nude Erections!  It’s like one giant Glee orgy!”

 “…”

 “Wes?  Davey?”

 “I’m not even going to say anything.”

 “Okie dokie, then.”

 “Blaine?”

 “It’s Blainey-Blaine-Blaine!  You gots to call me by my full name!  Or Billy.”

 “Billy?”

 “Yes?”

 “No, why should we call you Billy?”

 “Cause I’m Billy Crystal!”

 “Cause you’re – _why?_ ”

 “I’m Billy Crystal.  You know, in _When Harry Met Sally…_?  Kurt called Meg Ryan’s part, so I get to be Billy.  I just don’t understand how we’re gonna stay only friends though, cause they get together at the end.  Right?”

 “Right…So, why Billy then?  Why not Harry?”

 “Harry?”

 “Yeah, Harry Burns?  The name of the character Billy Crystal plays?”

 “Harry, hmm?  I dunno, Wes.  Then I’d feel like you were calling me Harry Potter.  And while I’m awesome and all, I could never be as awesome as Harry Potter.  Or Daniel Radcliffe.  Mmmm…have I ever told you about my dream about me and Dan, Wes?”

 “No, and please don’t ever.  I don’t need _that_ mental image.”

 “Well, we were in a tent and-”

 “Blaine – Billy – _whatever!_   Just shut up and _stop right there!_ ”

 “Hmph.  _Fine!_   All we did was play wizard’s chess!  Sheesh.”

 “…You really do suck at romance, don’t you?”

 “What’s that supposed to mean, Davey?”

 “Can you please stop calling me that?”

 “Nope!  Hahahaha!”

 “So, Billy…”

 “Yes, Wes?  Hee hee, I just rhymed!  _Yes, Wes._   Hee hee.”

 “That’s nice, Bl-Billy.  Now, why did you call David at two in the morning?”

 “Umm….Oh, right!  How did you know you were straight?”

 “… _What?!_ ”

 “Well, you see, we were playing spin-the-bottle, and, well, shit, I can’t remember who spun the bottle, but I had to kiss Rachel and, well….it felt _good_.”

 “So, wait, you liked it?”

 “Yeah.  But I still think boys are cute.  Does this make me bi?  Cause I don’t find Rachel at all attractive.  No offense, Rachey.”

 “ _None taken, Blainey._ ”

 “Wait, you’re telling us this while _she’s right there?!_ ”

 “Yeah, so?”

 “So!”

 “ _It’s okay, Wes!  Or is that Thad?”_

“Actually, it’s David.”

 “ _Right, sorry.  Here, give me the phone, Blainey._   Did you know Blainey’s a good kisser?”

 “ _Aw, thanks, Rachey!”_

 “But it doesn’t mean I felt anything.  There wasn’t any spark.  Or fireworks.  He just knows how to kiss well.  Good thing, too.  I was scared it would be like kissing one of my dads.”

 “ _You tongue your dads?_ ”

 “Blaine, you _tongued_ her?!”

 “Not the point.  I think – and I know this because I am excellent at pers…perceive… _seeing_ things about other people, because, you know, I’m excellent at everything – I think that Blainey here is having a sexuality crisis and he needs some guy advice on this.  Cause, you know, I’ve never exactly had a sexuality crisis, and I’m pretty sure none of the guys here are comfortable talking about it, and since you guys are, he called you!  Actually, now that I think about it, you should talk to Kurt about this.”

 “Why would he talk to Kurt?”

 “Well, he dated Brittany for a week last year, so he’s had some experience in this area.”

 “Kurt dated a girl?!”

 “Are there any pictures?”

 “Wes, you perv!”

 “What?!”

 “ _Guys, shut up!  This is_ my _issue, remember?  Rachey, can I have my phone back, now?_ ”

 “Sure.”

 “Right, Blaine-”

 “Billy!”

 “Right, Billy-”

 “No!  I changed my mind!  Call me Blainey-Blaine-Blaine!”

 “…There is no way in hell I am calling you that.”

 “Ugh.  _Fine!_   Go on.”

 “So, what exactly were you thinking when you kissed Rachel?”

 “That it was kinda nice.”

 “Were your eyes open?”

 “No.  What does that have to do with anything?”

 “Well, if you weren’t looking at her, were you still picturing yourself kissing Rachel?”

 “David, what the hell are you trying to get at?”

 “Hush, Wes.”

 “Well…no, not exactly…”

 “ _Really?  If you weren’t picturing me, then who?  Ooooh!  Was it Kurt?!_ ”

 “Um…”

 “ _Aw, he’s blushing!_ ”

 “Shut up, Rachey!”

 “See!  Even though physically you were kissing a female figure, you were mentally kissing that of a male figure – namely one whom you find attractive and possibly even similar in personality and or appearance to this female – and therefore, your subconscious, in its intoxicated state, told you that you were actually kissing your fantasy!”

 “…Huh?”

 “…You were so drunk that you thought you were kissing Kurt.”

 “ _Haha!  Told you you have man-hands, Berry!_ ”

 “ _Shut up, Santana!_ ”

 “ _Who are you talking to?_ ”

 “ _Blainey’s friends from Dalton._ ”

 “ _Ooh, are they cute?_ ”

 “ _Aren’t you going out with Sam?_ ”

 “ _What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him._ ”

 “ _He broke up with Quinn because there was a small possibility that she was cheating on him.  What makes you think he would stay with you?_ ”

 “ _Because I can rock his world like Fabray never could – or would.  I gots me some moves that no boy can resist._ ”

 “Santana?”

 “ _Yes, prep boy?_ ”

 “Can I have your number?”

 “Wes!  You have a girlfriend!”

 “Oh.  Right.  Nevermind…”

 “ _It’s 555-_ ”

 “ _Santana, not now._ ”

 “ _Shut it, Berry._ ”

 “Blaine, are you still there?”

 “Huh?  Oh, yeah.”

 “You okay, man?”

 “Still trying to figure out the whole ‘What if I’m bi?’ thing.  I’m still not sure about it.  And the fact that I was picturing Kurt makes it even more confusing.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him like, like _that_ since he told me he liked me-”

 “Kurt likes you?  Dude, that’s awesome!  Go for it!”

 “I dunno, Wes.  I don’t want to mess anything up.  That’s why we agreed to be Meg and Billy.  Huh.  My head feels funny.  Is it possible for your eyes to be wobbly?  Cause I think mine are…”

 “Maybe we should talk about this tomorrow when you’re sober?”

 “Yeah, okay.”

 “Hey, Blaine?”

 “Yeah?”

 “You know that no matter which way you swing – even if it’s both – we’ll be your friends anyway, right?”

 “Right.  You guys are the best.”

 “Too right we are!”

 “Way to ruin the moment, David.”

 “ _Blainey!  C’mon!_ ”

 “Oooh!  Karaoke!  I’ll talk to you guys later!  Rachey and I are gonna do a mean rendition of Ke$ha!”

 “Just don’t hurt yourself, Blaine.”

 “Psh!  Yeah, right!  I dance on couches!  I’m too awesome to get hurt!”

 “Someone’s being cocky.”

 “ _Blaine-y!”_

 “Okay, okay!  Bye, Wes!  Bye, Davey!”

 “Stop calling me that!”

 “Heehee, love you, too, Davey.”

 “…”

 “Well.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay, than.”

 “I guess we should just go back to sleep…David, what are you doing?”

 “Getting dressed.”

 “What?  Why?  It’s almost four already!  David?  David, why are you getting dressed?  Where are you going?  Are you – no.  No, David.  Get back here this instant!  And put the camera down!  David!”

* * *

_Five hours later:_

 “Why, hello there, Blainey-Blaine-Blaine.”

 “Ugh.  Leave me alone, Wes.”

 “Love the shades.  The pink goes remarkably well with that green tinge around your mouth.”

 “Shut up, David.”

 “By the way, we figure out what song we’re doing for the PTA meeting tonight.  And you’re singing solo.”

 “Yeah, what is it?”

 “ _Oh, demon alcohol, sad memories I cannot recall-_ ”

 “ _Who thought I would say, damn it all and blow it all-_ ”

 “ _Oh, demon alcohol, memories I cannot recall-_ ”

 “ _Who thought I would fall a slave to demon alcohol._ ”

 “…I hate you.  I really, really hate you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Songs: "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith" and "Alcohol" by The Kinks


End file.
